Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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