dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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