remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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