I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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