did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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