bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
two words: eviction party
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
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she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
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Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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