Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
