I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
