I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
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