dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
