a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
