Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
