he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
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I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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