Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
