Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
