Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
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We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
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He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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