He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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