go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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