oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
