I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
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He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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