i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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