I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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