they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
