Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize