Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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