my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I showed him my bush... on skype.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
so much tequila, so little girl.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
