just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
