Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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