im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
