And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
