i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
