Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
