i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
