he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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