you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
