life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
