some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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