nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
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I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
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At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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