If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
we made out on top of his cat.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
