I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i drank out of a bidet.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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