you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
