he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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