The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
