I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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