Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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