I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
