Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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