Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
