just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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