are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
