WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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