Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
