"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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