I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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