There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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