ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
