Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
