my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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