Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
