First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
